


Bigger

by arya_sheppard



Category: Beauty and the Beast - All Media Types, Princess Bride (1987)
Genre: Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dick measuring contest, Funny, Late Night Writing, M/M, Mentioned Westley (Princess Bride), Minor Buttercup/Prince Humperdinck, One-sided Gaston/Lefou, POV LeFou (Disney), What Have I Done, Yes you are reading that relationship correctly, mentions of mermaids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 14:52:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16600043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arya_sheppard/pseuds/arya_sheppard
Summary: “I promise you mine is bigger,” Prince Humperdinck of Florin proclaimed.“That cannot be the case, as I have the biggest in all the land,” Gaston fired back.





	Bigger

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm posting for the very first time and this is what I'm putting out there. I blame sleep deprivation and sarlaac games. Enjoy!

“I promise you mine is bigger,” Prince Humperdinck of Florin proclaimed.

“That cannot be the case, as I have the biggest in all the land,” Gaston fired back.

LeFou listened as his boss fought with the Prince, and wished desperately they would both just whip it out. At least he’d have some entertainment. Gaston barely noticed him now that he had a Prince in his life. LeFou knew he would never measure up for a man like Gaston, and he was prepared to be his servant, get treated like a maid, for the remainder of his days. He knew he would have to compete with a wife, hopefully Belle, who was nice and easy and didn’t seem overly fond of Gaston anyway. Nothing would need to change. But now, here was this…this…BROMANCE.

“LeFou, get over here,” Gaston boomed.

Maybe he was wrong! Gaston did remember him! Not just as a maid!

“Our glasses are empty, we need more ale! And try to scrounge up something better than this swill. Don’t the Prince and I deserve the best?”

“Sorry Gaston, right away Gaston,” LeFou simpered, regretting that the dick measuring didn’t seem to be on the horizon.

As he scurried towards the kitchen, he heard two feminine voices coming from behind the door.

“Wow Buttercup, Wesley sounds amazing. If he’s a pirate, he must know some merpeople. I’ve always wanted to meet one.” Belle gushed.

“Probably, he’s met everyone and done everything. If we ever get out of our terrible circumstances, maybe you can come meet him.”

“Why are you with Humperdinck if you have someone so adventurous?” Belle asked.

“The Prince said he would hurt my love if I didn’t become his bride,” Buttercup shrugged, “I had no choice.”

Belle nodded, “Gaston had my father sent to a madhouse and only agreed to get him out if I married him. He’s disgusting.”

“We should come up with a plan to get away from them. I know we can manage it if we put our heads together,” Buttercup responded.

LeFou couldn’t take it anymore. Belle was besmirching his beloved Gaston and he would not stand for it. Just as he was about to go in, the door started to open, and LeFou had just enough time to jump back into the shadows before the women saw him.

As he was trudging down to the cellar to find the very best ale, he heard a shocked scream from the other side of the house. He ran to the dining room, only to find surprised expressions on Belle and Buttercup’s faces. He turned around to find Gaston and Humperdinck, with their arms around each other, and their trousers and underwear around their ankles.

LeFou’s mouth dropped open as he starred.  
Humperdinck held his hands out, “We can explain!”

LeFou’s mouth was still open.

“We were arguing about phallus size you see, and whose is bigger, so we decided to settle the matter objectively, so to speak. It isn’t our fault, we are both so attractive. This was an inevitability…” Humperdinck didn’t even seem terribly embarrassed.

“Phallus size?” Gaston suddenly interrupted, “I thought we were discussing which of us had the biggest kill on a hunt.”

Humperdinck now turned to him, flabbergasted, “But why then, would you drop your pants?”

“I never pass up a chance to show off this physique. You’re handsome, not as handsome as me, but sufficient.” Gaston said nonchalantly.

LeFou finally had something to say that broke him out of his stupor. “Boss, I love you, but I’m going to have to resign as your maid.” He licked his lips as he looked down at Humperdinck’s crotch.

“Prince, I seem to be in need of a job.”


End file.
